I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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