Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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