Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
