I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
