If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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