How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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