Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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