Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Do vagina's smell?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
