Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
