I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
