I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
