you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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