i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
