On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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