you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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