I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
