he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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