All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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