oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
