I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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