I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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