i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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