I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
