I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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