thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
