Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Found the puke drawer
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
