I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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