wrigley field is MILF paradise
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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