I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Watching her eat just hurts me
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
