He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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