my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
