did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
