I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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