just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
is wine microwaveable?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
