she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
