I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
and she was petting her beer can
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
