I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
