why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My bed smells like the plague
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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