you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
