I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
