It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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