I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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