I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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