Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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