She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I would ride that face into the sunset
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
