You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
