Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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