Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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