sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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