At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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