So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
