It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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