3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
